so low

he has not felt so low in many years, not since he was homeless... he did not lose everything this time, he learned not to give everything away and be left dependent on someone else, he will likely never make that mistake again... that decision is in itself very sad as it means he will not trust unconditionally and therefore will not fall in love again... that is the saddest cut of all, for he always believed he was alive to fall in love, to be in love... life as he knew it ended some time ago... that life was the hope of falling in love... that life died and he pretended it was just sleeping... his head hurts... everything hurts... he is ready to die... if she was not so dependent on him, he might finally let go... she needs him to pay the rent and buy food though, so he has learned to go through the motions... hurting more than ever now, giving up on everything but keeping the money flowing in for her... being there when she needs him... for whatever good he can do feeling so low...